Frannie's Guide To Glory*

*Frannie has neither authorized or acknowledged this guide - in fact it's not much of a guide at all.

Welcome back to the season that never ends. The season that ends too soon. Or more likely, the season that doesn't end soon enough.

The Canucks, yes, your Vancouver Canucks are in a REBUILD!

We've been waiting for this since... [checks notes] 2014. Really? Yup. The rebuild Frannie put off for over a decade is now in the starting blocks. The parking lot. In the P/L statement slot.

Personal Note: That battered Canucks mug has been my daily driver since before the rebuild Frannie didn't start in 2014. I like to think or drink about it as a metaphor for Nucking fandom in the current era. Possibly past eras as well.

Doesn't matter.

We're entering a new era. Starting from the bottom of pack, a pack now packed with 32 teams. That's pretty tightly packed. But it wasn't always like this.

Do you remember the Original Six? Me neither. Before the proliferation of narcissistic billionaire owners, hockey lore states they were only six teams in the league which meant only six psychopathic owners. Or half that. No really.

In the 50s, Red Wings owner, James E. Norris, also controlled a syndicate that owned the Black Hawks and was also the largest stockholder in the Rags.To be fair this was in an era where corruption was rampant, but kept out of public view. Unlike our current era where corruption is very, very public. Where is this going?

Somewhere a point is being made. Just not here. Somehow Norris got his Wings a bunch of Cups, totally legit. If you wonder how the trophy for the league's best defenseman is known as the Norris, this is how. The best defense is offensive, concentrated league ownership.

You might be wondering, as am I, if this Guide To Glory is suggesting Frannie wrangle control of 15 other teams. Wonder not. While he may aspire to that lofty monopolistic pursuit, that's not where this Guide is going.

No, where we're going is slightly more insidious. In the 50s and early 60s, your team - if you happened to own one - had a 1 in 6 chance at the Cup. If you owned half of the teams, a 1 in 2 chance of Cuppiness. Today, your team has a 1 in 32 chance. Or if your team is the Canucks, a 0 in 56 chance, so far. It's not fair.

FAIRNESS: "Lord Stanley's Cup: Hardest Trophy to Win in Professional Sport"

We've heard that old rotting cliche trotted out every season since the expansion era included more sociopathic billionaire owners. Why? Because they want you to spend money on something that is worthwhile. Some might debate why it is worthwhile for those of limited means to spend inordinate amounts of money on hockey team tickets and memorabilia. That's a debate I can't afford to engage atm.

Also could be the justification for the inflation of franchises and billionaire egoes. It's tough to win a Cup. That's a feature, not a marketing scam. Other than it's been a marketing scam in Vancouver since 1970.

Sure we can cherish those Cup runs of 1982, 1994 and 2011, but that is pretty sparse pickings to dress up in relish and cherish. You know what would be more cherishable? Winning the freaking Cup. But how?

WE'LL NEVER WIN THE STANLEY CUP

Sorry. The actual Lord Stanley Cup was retired. In 1963. No wonder Vancouver was allowed to join the league almost a decade later. There was no chance the Nucks would ever win THE CUP. The NHL was laughing at us before we even got to be a laughable team.

For over 60 years we've had teams beating their brains out to win a Repli-Cup. Seems pretty stupid to work so hard to win a fake trophy, but here we are.

Not that it matters in this era anymore, but no Canadian team has won the Repli-Cup since Gary took over running the league in a previous century. Merely a coincidence? Perhaps.

Doesn't matter. What matters is the new Nucking rebuilding braintrust builds an honest and fair team culture in an unfair league.

WINNING THE RIGHT WAY

Or losing the right way. Either way is fine. We've spent over a decade watching Frannie and his sycophant management minions spin out the yarn of fake 'contender' possibility. No longer. Our Canucks are going to be living in the league's stinky basement, most likely, for years. No mushy middle false hope. Hope is not a plan.

Instead, stark realism and Embrace The Suck stoicism will fan the embers of our disgruntled Nucking fandom for seasons to come. We just have to enjoy - as ever - the little things (no, not that guy), the little winning plays that might happen while losing more and more games.

BUT WHAT IF...

This Guide To Glory wouldn't be complete or as completely useless without a little what-iffing around. What if the US/Canada trade war gets real. In the hockey sense.

What if our elbows extend right into the fugly face of the NHL itself. As Canada disentangles itself from the Lakes and Lackeys of America, we could see the NHL dissolve, disperse into smaller pro hockey leagues. Would that be so bad? No, it wouldn't.

If that happens, the Canucks will have much better odds of winning THE CUP in an all Canadian league. A One in Seven chance is pretty good. Especially since the actual Lord Stanley Cup is safely stored away in HHOF in the CoTU. Which is very close to Canada.

Also... it's not inconceivable that Frannie could perform some sleazy billionaire maneuvers to get control of a couple more teams to increase the odds of Cup glory. Sure, we'd need a new league name, since the weaselly NHL hold the rights to the National Hockey League. And they can keep them. It's a storied tale of corruption anyhow.

I propose the new all-Canadian pro hockey league be called the: Canucks Hockey League. Perhaps it foreshadows the Nucking inevitability with only a hint of corruption (if Frannie plays his part).

EMBRACE THE SUCK

Until we can get the Nucks out of the sicko NHL, we can and must enjoy this CANUCKS REBUILD: Season One. Whatever sucky form it takes, how ever long the suckiness lasts, this is what we've wanted to suck for over a decade.

ENJOY A NEW IMPROVED SEASON OF SUCKY NUCKY HOCKEY!