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Gary's Dream Team In Peril! We Can Help!

May 18, 2023
- jimmi

What can we do to help?

You may have heard the most important team in the NHL - no, not the CoTU - the other most deranged one. The most (over) storied franchise in history, the weirdest location for a hockey franchise ever... well... until Vegas... is in existential desert peril.

As we know, Gary Bettman, is not just the NHL Weasel In Chief, he's also a market expansion visionary. For over two decades Gary the Hockey Visionary has been trying to sell his vision of desert hockey to the disinterested masses of Arizona.

This latest defeat of his extraordinary ego-buffing fiasco by the scary powers of common sense and the common good could spell, finally... and thankfully the end of money losing and terrible losing hockey in the desert.

Since Gary is the NHL and the NHL is Gary, seemed only fitting this tragic day be marked in sober tones of black.

Unlike the rubes in Cowtown, Tempe taxpayers didn't want to pay for a $2 Billion boondoggle in a garbage dump. Oh noooes! How can Gary keep the Yotes in the state of crazy Arizona now?

We can help!

Gary has done so much for Canadian hockey - beginning his tenure a brief, horrible, agonizing 30 years ago. 30 years. The last time a Canadian team won the Cup was 1993. A coincidence? Only the BoG, Gary (and every Canadian hockey fan) know for sure.

But still... only fair that we Canadian hockey fans of the game, once called 'Canada's Game', do our best to keep Gary's idiotic vision in place. In the desert. Under the scorching sun that turns arena ice into basketball courts.

1. CO-MARKETING

When you think of Arizona, what do you think of?

Besides being thankful for not having to support a NHL team when it's 46C outside.

YOU THINK GOLF!

Of course you do, 82wino. This an obvious way to save Gary's public idiocy. Merge the powers of golf and NHL hockey.

Many elite hockey players train in Arizona in the off season. Is there an off-season for golf?

Doesn't matter.

What matters, is keeping the Yotes in AZ, the pucks on the greens and the cashflow in the red!

Chief Weasel, Gary, can shapeshift too! He handled the violence-on-ice concussion legal extravaganza like a weaselly snake in the grass. His hisssssy fits are the stuff of slithering hissstory.


2. CO-BRANDING

Ok, when you think of Arizona you don't think of golf. I get that.

You think of something much more grand - like the biggest hole in the ground. The NHL expansion ideas of the biggest a-hole in hockey is the perfect storm of marketing machinations.

No, really. Millions upon millions of people from all over the world travel to Arizona to stare down into the biggest hole in the ground. It's very big.

But one can only look at a big hole in the ground under the scorching sun before they want a diversion. And that of course is an ice cold beer rink.

Put a hockey arena in the Grand Canyon!!! Pure genius.

Since it's a Federal Park, Gary can make the government pay for it! More Genius!


3. CO-OPT

In case the previous 'total genius' ideas from the Hockey Weasel are rejected by those who can't see the total synergy of the public pays/private profits enterprise, perhaps Gary turns inward and listens - to the faint flutterings of his ancient diabolical lawyer soul.

Gary can call on his Lemurian financiers to take over an undiscovered, an untapped, unwanted hockey niche.

Free Crystal Therapy Session For Every Season Ticket Holder! Call Your Spirit Guides Now!

That's it. Those are our best ideas to keep those desert dogs playing their cap floor shenanigans on the fine scorched ice of Arizona.

Gary, if you end up moving your beloved franchise to Oklahoma or Oklahoma City or Utah, remember we Canucks tried to keep your ludicrous vision alive.

Only fair you support ours. Let a Canadian team, preferably ours, win the Cup during your hellish reign of hockey ops terror.



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