There it is. It's over. Finally. The long, long season of disappointment ends in a different flavour of disappointment. Nucks finish the season in 22nd - with a 3% chance at picking #1. And a 50/50 chance of picking 11th. If they're lucky.
How did this Nucking shitshow go off the rails? Do you want a recap of your record setting Nucks season start? No, no, you don't.
Ok, fine, you masochists. Remember this little achievement?
It was part of the astonishing NHL league record - for all-time - as the number of games lost when leading by 2 goals or more. That's back when Demmers was playing for the Faeries, Tank Commander and his Other Exceptional Lieutenant were keeping our Bedardian dreams alive - in vivid, unfreakingbelievable colour!
Those were the days. Of despair and stuff.
Anyhow, this up down and down and down and little perk up at the end season - ends with the Nucks breaking the ice ceiling. Really.
Isn't that what we wanted after all? Above 500 team?
Yes, we did. In the 2nd week of October. Then, you know, get into those gawdy 60s for Xmas. Oh well...
Let's commiserate all summer - for now, let's jump into this final (thank the hockey gawds) game recap.
The game started. In the Mullet Arena. Before a multi-thousand throng of desert hockey fans. How many thousands? As many as 4 thousand. Maybe.
Meanwhile the game thread is pumped up for this amazing tilt in this legendary (college) arena.
I've never been so glad to see a canucks season end. The fucking misery and incompetence and utter embarrassment of an organization we witnessed this year was next level shit. For the first time in basically 50 years as a hockey fan and 30 of those as a canucks fan, I cheered for my team to tank (even knowing that there's no way in hell that bettman and the nhl would give the canucks and their fans any sniff at hope in the lottery, whether 24th place or 32nd)... and this shitshow of an organization couldn't even do that.
Twitchy
Well the good news is my number 2 team has always been the oilers, and holy hell, after 20 years of almost canucks levels of rank incompetence they are an actual contender this year.
We'll excuse Twitchy for going #2 in the comments... it's been a rough season.
Fcuk it Tocket, just play the 6-40-9 line and let things rip like crazy. Bring back the glory days and lose 7-6, please. Let Petey and Kuzy score loads, then play the 4th line into fatigue so they give up lots of goals.
If they Nux win this game, it's literally one of the dumbest things imaginable.
Copey
In the Nucks realm, the unimaginable is just one shift away.
Not hard to imagine that Pete would get the 1st goal of the game. And he did. Even better, Huggie's point drought is drown in the desert - he had 3 points on the night. So, that's good.
The Yotes tie it up. And the Nucks 2nd unit gets a goal.
Gnarls. Scoring in the desert. Just when it's not needed.
Copey
And Millsie adds another goal on the PP - without giving up a shortie. Dammit. That GA record was ours!
And Gnarly gets another goal... cue the spooky foreshadowing music...
Yotes get a late goal thanks to the efforts of our Tank Commander. Nucks lead 4-2 after 1.
In the 1st intermission, we speculate that Tank Commander gave the team a little locker room talk about the importance of picking higher than 11th.
With that pep-chat the Nucks perform an unimaginable feat in the 2nd. With a gaggle of 30 goal players, the Nucks managed to record but a single shot! One shot! In 20 minutes of hockey against the 5th worst team in the league! Not making it up!
It’s almost statistically impossible to play 20:00 of hockey and get just 1 SOG.
Rob Scott
Statistics are for the weak eye testers. Meanwhile... the offensive juggernaut that is the Yotes - the terror of Mullet Arena - so I've heard, put 9 shots on Deals and scored a goal.
We've got a game. A lame meaningless NHL game in a frikkin' college arena. Thanks, Gary.
It was a better period of Nucking hockey - not a hard thing to accomplish.
The Nucks put 6 shots on Vejmelka. Impressive. And didn't score. But, in a twist of unscripted, but seemingly scripted flockey drama, the Yotes did score on Deals in the final minutes of the 3rd.
We're going to OT!
How exciting!
For about a minute and change, because Gnarly - former desert sniper - dekes and dekes and scores the GWG! That we didn't really need.
Elias Garland seals it!
Rob Scott
Still happy for Gnarland to get his 1st career hattie at the worst possible time.
That's a wrap on the worst Nucking season since... ummm... the 90s... 80s... 70s? All of the above?
As bad as this Nucking season has been on the point trail. As disgusting as the way JR, Alvin and the Chipmunks fired Bruce, the worst news was the Cheech news.
He's retiring from the best hockey play-by-play/colour team in hockey. May 8th has been designated as International Cheech Day. At least in Vancouver.
And he's earned it. What a great broadcaster and infamous standup goalie. We'll miss him.
LAST STAND FOR THE 2 JOHNS
Can't believe this great team (the 2 Johns) cover their last game in the Mullet Arena. Again... thanks, Gary, for all you do to make a multi-billion dollar sporting empire into a beer league spectacle.
GAME STATS (as if we care)
| SOG | FO% | PP | PIM | HITS | BLKS | GVA | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Canucks
VAN
|
24 | 53% | 2/4 | 13 | 24 | 11 | 7 |
Coyotes
ARI
|
28 | 47% | 0/3 | 15 | 25 | 16 | 8 |
SHOT COUNTING (single finger counting)
| Period | VAN | ARI |
|---|---|---|
| 1st | 16 | 8 |
| 2nd | 1 | 9 |
| 3rd | 6 | 10 |
| OT | 1 | 1 |
| Total | 24 | 28 |
PLAYER STATS
Forwards
| # | Forwards | GP | G | A | P | P | +/- | S | PIM | PIM | SOG | HITS | BLKS | GVA | TKA | FO% | TOI | PP TOI | SH TOI | PP | GW |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 6 | B. Boeser | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -2 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 15:15 | 4:48 | --:-- | 0 | |||
| 8 | C. Garland | 3 | 0 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 5 | 0 | 5 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 14:47 | 3:10 | --:-- | 1 | |||
| 9 | J.T. Miller | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 33 | 19:08 | 4:17 | 2:52 | 1 | |||
| 15 | S. Dries | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 42 | 15:04 | 2:41 | 1:07 | 0 | |||
| 18 | J. Studnicka | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 67 | 13:09 | --:-- | 0:12 | 0 | |||
| 25 | A. McDonough | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 12:45 | --:-- | --:-- | 0 | ||||
| 34 | P. Di Giuseppe | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | -1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 14:32 | 4:10 | 1:02 | 0 | ||||
| 40 | E. Pettersson | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 58 | 19:25 | 4:12 | 2:56 | 0 | |||
| 72 | A. Beauvillier | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 100 | 15:30 | 2:53 | --:-- | 0 | |||
| 81 | D. Joshua | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 10:56 | --:-- | 1:48 | 0 | ||||
| 88 | N. Aman | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 100 | 12:21 | 0:01 | 2:01 | 0 | |||
| 96 | A. Kuzmenko | 0 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 16:39 | 3:11 | --:-- | 0 |
Defenders
| # | Defense | GP | G | A | P | P | +/- | S | PIM | PIM | SOG | HITS | BLKS | GVA | TKA | FO% | TOI | PP TOI | SH TOI | PP | GW |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 36 | A. Hirose | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 19:02 | 2:08 | 2:36 | 0 | ||||
| 43 | Q. Hughes | 0 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 25:54 | 5:13 | 1:55 | 0 | ||||
| 44 | K. Burroughs | 0 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 5 | 2 | 5 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 17:43 | --:-- | 3:09 | 0 | ||||
| 48 | C. McWard | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 14:32 | 0:10 | 0:16 | 0 | ||||
| 57 | T. Myers | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -2 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 1 | 19:13 | 0:36 | 2:18 | 0 | ||||
| 74 | E. Bear | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | -1 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 20:02 | --:-- | 1:48 | 0 |
Deal With It - you can win games with an .857 SV%
| # | Goalies | GP | REC | GA | SV | SA | S | EV | PP | SH | SAVE-SHOTS | SV% | PIM | TOI | GAA |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 60 | C. Delia | -- | 24 | 28 | 19–23 | 4–4 | 1–1 | 24–28 | .857 | 0 | 61:19 |
FINAL ROAD DEPRESSER OF THE YEAR
You'd think after getting the hattie, the Nucking Twitt team would put Gnarly on mic. Yeah... no.
Season's over - and TikiToko can make us cringe for the last time this season. Good luck in the off season, Tocco - you're gonna need it.
Tocco wants to figure out how to get better.
The Nucks. And how to get better. If that enigma can be solved - if the Nucks can get better in this decade, solving global warming will seem easy.
There will lots of time - months of it - according to Tocco to scrutinize this horrific Nucking season and ponder the next round of disappointment.
THANK YOU!
Thank you, all of you who joined the beta NM team and made snide comments or despairing comments for the past month so much fun. It was tough getting screwed by Vox on nearly zip notice. But, NM has persisted.
We have our own home, our own site. We can make it the premier Nucking pity party. We have the tools. The misery. The rum.
Soon our new site will be open to everyone and their spambots!
Happy summer, everyone - stick around for the off season, off colour analysis.
Will it be a happy Nucking summer tho? Let's find out.
