Come For The Banter - Stay For The Disappointment

Nucks Fan Rebuild & Retool Center - Come For The Banter - Stay For The Disappointment

Relax, it's almost over

April 14, 2026

- Vern Faulkner

Two more games left. Last home game. If by some miracle, the Canucks (snicker) win (chortle) tonight, they will escape the dubious distinction of having the worst home-ice record in the expansion era.

As if.

So here's tonight's TANKO, the bingo-like chronicling of the Canucks' ineptitude.

Two more games. Then hopefully some people lose their jobs, and we can get on with losing the draft lottery, m'kay?

T	A	N	K	O
Less than 20 shots on goal	Rookie makes mistake, minutes reduced	Video review goes against the Canucks	Opposition has a player out-scoring EP40 at less cost	Jake DeBrusk fails to score
Player/coach mentions “system,” whatever that means	EP40 <50% in faceoff circle	Video review goes against the Canucks	Atu Raty barely given ice time.	PO Joseph out of position on a goal
Blundered line change.	Opponent scores hat-trick	Thatcher Demko injured	Brock Boeser held goal-less	Outscored in second period
Radio/TV mentions Gavin McKenna	Canucks penalized in the last three minutes of the game	Canucks Shut Out	Coach says “resilient/resilience” at game-day skate/pregame	Opposition player bumps scoring slump
Opposition scores 5 or more goals	Opposition scores empty-net goal	Penalty kill surrenders goal	Power play fails to score	EP 40 fails to get a shot on goal. Again.

If you win, slap the result into bluesky with a #canucks #tanko hashtag. And remember, just like the kid that finishes last at the elementary school track meet three-legged race, you're winner for participating.

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